Up and Up

Ok so, my computer says that it's 11:52 pm right now. Im pretty tired, but I have wanted to write about this all week now and I havent. So here it goes.

On monday morning this week, my life got a little bit better. Or maybe alotta bit better (I know that doesnt make sense, just go with it). I feel like I'm on the up and up that I have been looking for. I've been searching for it. BAM. Oh look, there it is. There she is. She told me yes, and I smiled. I knew then that my life was going to start getting better.

I mean, I was really happy last week when I mended a broken friendship. I figured that was a start to something. Something good.

Yeah, midterms suck. Life can suck sometimes too. But when I'm with her, it's all good. The past is just a conduit (I think I spelled that right) for what happens everyday in my life. It's that brigde across that gap that says "Hey, you're not going down. How about you come across this here bridge and meet me in the light at the other end."

Well I found that light. I'm on the up and up.

Happy, Yet Afraid

Lately, life's been different.
Last night, it was proven to me that if I keep trying to attain something, a friendship, it can happen. I did everything I could to make it happen, and I didn't think it was enough. But I was wrong. It all worked out in the end. So I'm really thankful for that, and I'm also very happy with it.
But then that aside, I'm afraid. The past month has been a challenge for me. I have this insecurity that I want gone. But it's going to take time to heal. I don't want somebody to be completely thrilled to have me, either as a friend, boyfriend, whatever....and then just be done with me. It hurts, so bad. I want to know that that's not going to happen to me again. But I will never know. It's up to others around me to make that happen for me. I want to know that if I'm going to be in any sort of friendship or relationship with anyone, I don't want to get dumped on the side of the road. I don't want to be put back in that box, back in the corner. I'm so afraid of it happening to me again, I don't want to deal with that pain anymore. Lately it's been getting better, but the last thing I want is for that to happen again.
I have someone in mind right now. I really like you. I don't even know if you like me back. I just hope you don't do that to me.

If you want to have anything to do with me, be it a friendship, dating, doesn't matter...

....Promise me that you won't make me go through that again.
I want you to make that promise to me.

I Think It's Safe To Say

"I think it's safe to say: You're never coming back. And I understand why you wouldn't want to. I think it's up to me to find a way to get to you." -Relient K

But that's also exactly how I feel. I did find a way to get to you, and I pursued it. I was given a solution and I ran with it. But it wasn't enough.
So now it's time for me to move on. The fight between my heart and mind is just about at an end. I'm going to move on, there's more out there. All I can do now is yet again build off of my experiences and hope for the best. There's hope for every fallen man. This fallen man, me, has found that hope. But I can say this:

I think it's safe to say, "You're never coming back."

Thanks To You

I am just thankful for the people, friends, in my life that keep me going. I mean I have the friends that are just cool to talk to, but then theres my true friends. The ones that care about stuff I'm going through, good and bad in my life. They talk to me about it.
If I didn't have friends in my life, especially those true friends, I don't know where I'd be at in my life right now.
And those friends----you know who you are. If you've helped me out, like talking to me, just having a good time with me, you know who you are. Thank you.
I have a pretty life going for me right now.

--And it's Thanks To You

That's Not The Way It Works

I really hate the bad things that happen in life. I hate the results of bad things that happen. I wish I could ignore the problems life throws at me. And all the time, I wonder how I'd be now, or where I'd be at in mindset, if I had fought the problems that have happened to me instead of letting them get bigger. They really take their toll on me. Especially a recent problem that I'm super sorry for.

I went to assuming something that I shouldn't have. Because I was wrong about it. I didn't have all the facts. I said all these things, and then a few simple words said back made me realize the wrong I had done. How wrong I was. I didn't mean what I said. And I'm so sorry for it. I don't know if I'll be forgiven. I hope I am. I hope they will understand that it was said out of anger. Everybody does it at one point in their life. I hate dragging this on and on.

I'm not saying that I'm just sorry for it. My heart says I'm sorry.

I wish this could've all been avoided. I wish problems never occured in life.

But unfortunately, that's not the way it works.

Can't Hear, But That Doesn't Stop Him

Ok so I was at the Exton Mall tonight. I met manyyy new people and became friends with them. But one stood out imparticular. His name is Caleb.
Caleb is deaf. But it doesn't seem to slow him down at all. He hangs with the chill kids. He IS a chill kid. Hairspray in his hair, has snakebites, whatever---he's so cool. Yeah, it's different not being able to actually TALK to him, but I was totally ok with it. This dude is a freakin TEXTING MACHINE. That's how he converses with people alot. I mean there's facial expressions, and sign language as well.
He also has a great personality. He's into photography. From the amount that he actually legit hear, he likes rock music alot. He likes orange soda---Crush is NOT his favorite. He's a gymnast. He's into scary movies. He likes astronomy. He likes to chill at the mall alot.
And the awesome thing is, he has a ton of friends. If he has a problem with you, he'll tell you straight up. But he acts sooooo chill with his friends. Just hangs out. Dances and skips around. He's just an all around cool kid.
So he proved to me that being deaf doesn't mean your life has to suck. He seems perfectly fine with how he is. He has a ton of friends. He is one of my friends.
This one is to him. Caleb.

Nice To Meet You, I'm Your Other Half

'Cause when I looked you in the eyes, and you dared to stare right back, you should've said, "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

That's what I want. But when will it happen? Will it even happen at all? I just want to know. I know I'm right for the job. I'm right for her. I care alot for her. I love seeing her. I feel great when I'm with her. I have so much fun, and such a better attitude when I see her. When she talks to me with a smile. Kinda like this: =]

But does she feel that same feeling I do? I wish I knew. I know she likes being with me and has a great time being friends. But I wish it could be more.

It was great meeting you. I think I'm your other half.